Dismissives on the Run

What's been on my mind this week are the DISMISSIVE AVOIDANTS.

You guys got away for a long time now, escaping the wrath of Scott's watchful eye, but the pendulum has swung, friends!

Which is ironic, because I'm a dismissive avoidant myself; so maaaaaaybe I focused on everything else EXCEPT dismissive avoidance for a reason, haha!

The thing you need to know about dismissive avoidants to start is that they swing back and forth from anxious attachment style to avoidant attachment style (depending if the fear of loneliness or the fear of intimacy is louder) and a lot of times, they come from household where the parents were actively BETRAYING their children - so betrayal wounds are TOTALLY a topic in this attachment style.

But where my mind has been this week is: What do you do when the pendulum swings?

Knowing what attachment style any is, is hard because they can LOOK any sort of way, but it's really about the motivation and PATTERN of behavior.

For example, I had an old friend who I thought was the most secure person in the world, but I always found it odd that he lived in Dallas while EVERYONE he loved SO DEEPLY lived MANY, MANY states away. Turns out his avoidant attachment was DEEEEEEP. So I went from understanding him from being a secure attachment to a VERY WELL HIDDEN avoidant attachment. BUT, as time rolled along, I saw some VERY INCONSISTENT behavior for an avoidant -- he actively pursued relationships and had really intense spurts of trying to fix or invest in relationships, then disappear for weeks. Like, literally - no social media, no response to texts, he'd pick up the phone and want to stay on the phone for hours, but calling him was always a crap shoot...

No no no, friend. Avoidants are CONSISTENTLY avoidant and anxious are CONSISTENTLY avoidant. We had a disorganized attachment on our hands.

Where my thought has been this week, is what do you do when you SUDDENLY realize a bunch of your clients are ACTUALLY disorganized clients that you had misunderstood to be a different attachment style!?

Well, CLEARLY the first answer is to blame yourself. Check. I'm a fuck up.

10 seconds later, remembering that I've been doing therapy and dedicated WAAAAY too much of my life to have misstepped this way.

Ok, back to the chalk board.

And it's remembering that sometimes clients come in, guns a blazing because they hit that breaking point that they can't hide problems anymore, but then they go back to hiding problems, NOT FROM SCOTT, but from themselves.

And it's panicked - you can feel it.

Avoidants just pleasantly shut off. Disorganizeds do an entire forced song and dance because they're scared.

So then the question is: How do I stop being scary to them?

An even bigger question is, how do I get them to be less scared of their problems so I can help them fix stuff?

I'll tell you one thing: Waiting it out isn't the answer. Us fuckers can run FOREVER.

I think I have some thoughts on how to address it, but nothing solid enough to put here, yet.

But I just wanted to share where I was this week.

-Scott